Yes, they are around, haunting my mind a bit more heavily these days. The rebound from my last project abroad hit hard, and I realise how much effort it takes to come back to whatever can qualify as “normal”. Except that normality is a concept so foreign to my life and career, I am narrowing it down, and refining it, to balance. And there it is: the theory of balance circles back to the psychology of motivation where the “cognitive consistency motive is the urge to maintain one’s values and beliefs over time.” That cognitive dissonance is the mental stress caused by an action contradicting one’s beliefs, ideas or values. Still with me?

Maintaining and nurturing a network takes time (time: that rare commodity the Western world is often consuming as if it were expandable). I keep at it, no matter what, sometimes banging into some automatic replies that eliminate the option of getting any further. I follow up, without wanting to sound or come across as pushy. Silence in return makes me anxious, and makes me doubt too, no question. That fear, aka False Expectation Appearing Real, tends to take over and leads to a confusion I cannot control at first. That is when I get distracted with self-inflicted stressful thoughts. 

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett

I momentarily lose focus on my goal, which, in a sense, teaches me more to spend time on, understand and embrace the journey. The only positive interferences I eventually let happen are the resetting diversions from the people who care about me and about what I aspire to become. Their support is essential and allows me to revisit, question and iron my fears out. The challenge is to open my senses early enough to not just hear what they have to say, but also listen to their perspectives and confront mine. The idea is not to follow or be influenced by what the last one has claimed or suggested: that rather becomes a test of redefining my own ground and balance myself out.

Walking through what looks like a desert with no sight of the horizon is daunting and trying because it feeds the mind with doubts and deep hesitations. I know I take time to decide on an offer that appears to be changing the course of my life, as I want to leave no stone unturned before fully committing to something. I admit I cannot ever consider all possibilities until I actually find myself in the decision I have made. Doubting myself, even though it can get upsetting, truly reminds me that I am alive and I offer my full consideration to a situation, a project or a person before appointing myself in. By respect, for all parties. It is scary, and it is the best thing to move forward, learn and grow from.